Today something happened that made me feel like my shameful past had come back to bite me.
How's that for a good way to start a post! ;)
When I was younger I was not a "good girl" to put it mildly. Even though I wasn't aware of it I carried guilt and shame from that type of lifestyle for a very long time. When I came to know the Lord He began to show me how it had affected me and I wept over what I had been.
Had been; those are the operative words aren't they?
Sometimes I forget. Not that I go back to that lifestyle, more like I forget that I'm a new creation and begin to feel the shame of it all over again. Most of the time these days though I don't really think about it unless something brings it up. Like what happened today. I'm not going to tell you what it was but know that I began to be pulled back into those feelings.
Feelings like I'm a sham and just pretending to be some sort of godly woman. Feelings like "if they ever found out what I really am they would be shocked and appalled!" Feelings like my poor husband got the short end of the stick when he married me.
I've made no secret of my past, I feel like those who may still be in it or just out of it might need to hear that someone else has been there. So why these feelings? I guess I just start to buy the lie again.
But then the One who rescued me in the first place reached down His hand again and pulled me out of it. I turned on the radio in my car and this is what I heard:
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…
has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear
There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace
You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun
An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…
And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Mathew West may have been the one singing but the Lord was speaking directly to my heart.
You knew exactly what you were getting but you chose me anyway.
Thank you.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
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4 comments:
(((Fran))) Beautiful beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this with us. "I guess I just start to buy the lie again." I've been there. The enemy wants us to buy those lies. It really helps me in those times to recognize that this is a spiritual battle.
I love that song too. Thank you Jesus!
Thanks Kim. I'd heard that song countless times but I'd never really "heard" the words until that moment. As soon as I turned on the radio it started and it was like there was no other sound (and I was in Everett!) It was a really cool moment. :)
Fran , thank you so much for that post. I so needed to read that today. I went thru the same thing this morning; people I am hiding from found me on myspace. They can't view my profile, but they sent me messages. I immediatley "blocked sender" and deleted them, but all day I have been looking over my shoulder, fully expecting them to jump out and say "Who are you kidding, living this life?" You have encouraged me and lifted my spirits. Thank you, thank you.
I'm glad Suzanne. I think that's why it's so important for us to be transparent; because we never know who else is struggling with something. So many times I've been encouraged by someone else sharing what they were going through. (((Suzanne)))
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