Tears...

My little sister and I were playing at a friend's apartment that warm spring afternoon. We had just been encouraged by her mom to go outside and play. As I stepped out onto the front porch I looked up and saw several police cars going up the hill. Most ten year old minds would not have made a connection but I knew where they were going. I lived up the hill.

I made arrangements with my friend's mom to keep my sister there and I snuck up to my apartment. As I ran through the grassy area behind the building next to ours I could see the officers milling about the parking lot. A couple of them already had their weapons drawn. Maybe it was just the ten year old in me but I didn't pause to think. I dashed around to the front of my building and slipped through the front door before anyone could stop me.

The scene that met my eyes will forever be etched in my memory. The room was dim even with the afternoon sun filtering through the faded curtains. The air was thick and hazy with cigarette smoke. My dad was sitting on our tattered green sofa with a .357 magnum to his temple. Beer and vodka bottles littered the table and floor around him.

"What are you doing Dad?"

He stared at me in silence for a moment. "I'm going to blow my brains out. It's going to be messy so you should leave."

"I'm not leaving."

We stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, the phone rang startling us both. My dad answered and grunted a few times. Behind me the front door opened and the sheriff came in.

My dad and I were locked in another staring contest. When the sheriff spoke it was far too loud and far too upbeat in that quiet oppressive room.

"Hi there young lady! Your dad and I need to talk! How about you go outside and play for a little while!"

My eyes never left my dad's face as I shook my head, "No."

The sheriff signaled to a deputy who had been standing unnoticed by the door. The deputy picked me up and carried me out. I didn't struggle or make a sound. I just craned my neck trying to see my dad for as long as I could.

The deputy placed me on the front porch of the neighbor who lived across from us. He told me to stay put while they took care of my dad. I knew there would be no way I could sneak back in so I just stood there with my toes curled over the cement. I never took my eyes off my front door.

I don't know how long I stood there watching. I recall my neighbors trying to include me in their gathering. They tried to get me to eat some of the chicken they had barbecued but I didn’t feel like I belonged to that world of bright sunshine and laughter. I belonged back in that quiet oppressive room.

My Dad didn’t end his life that day. Eventually they brought him out on a stretcher and took him away for six months. I don’t remember what happened next. I don’t know who went and got my sister. All I remember is feeling empty and alone.

I’ve thought about that day a lot over the years. I was grateful that my Dad didn’t kill himself, but it still left a big scar on my mind.

Years later when I came to know the Lord I asked Him, “Where were you that day? Why did I have to go through that alone?”

He spoke to my heart.

“You were never alone. I was with you the whole time. I cleared the way for you to get inside. I stood with you as you faced him. I protected you from him and I kept him from being killed. When you cried, I cried with you. And I wiped your tears.”

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

His scars healed mine. I now live in a world of bright Sonshine and laughter.